Here today with an encouraging tale of enduring a most dreadful tempest is a relative newcomer to the blogging community. I very much hope you’ll all give her a very warm welcome because, after reading her Tempest Tale, I can say with confidence that Ashley certainly deserves one.
FREE TO SING
by Ashley
“Birds sing after a storm; why shouldn’t people feel as free to delight in whatever remains to them?”
– Rose F. Kennedy
I picked a late date to tell my Tempest Tale because I was unsure if I was even going to get to the point where I’d be able to write my story down. I’ve tried numerous times with failed attempts. But I signed on with faith that I had something worth sharing, and that what came out would be shared and I wouldn’t focus on if it were enough, too much, or most importantly worthy enough to be in the Tempest Tales series. As I’ve been reading the Tempest Tales throughout the days, I’ve been encouraged and reminded constantly by God that what I have to say is worth hearing. Even further than that, I have nothing preventing me from writing it down any longer because I came to see my sunrise on December 29th 2008.
So my story is pretty much a life story about my struggle with depression, suicide, and coping (or lack thereof) with a long history of sexual abuse. The sexual abuse came first while I was a young child. It began with one time at age 5, then another at age 7 and then continuous for what felt like everyday from the age of 9 to 13 (all those by the same people). This time period was also significant in my life because it was in this time that my father was out of my life. He left my mother when I was 7 and returned when I was 13, married with a step-son and a child on the way. I wish I could say I could equate his return to the end of my sexual abuse but unfortunately I can’t. I also am a survivor of 2 rapes which occurred when I was 16 and 19. Also when I was 16 the day before my rape, I was beat with a belt by some guys who was upset because my cousin and I refused to perform oral sex on them. Praise God those physical scars are gone. I blamed myself for every single happening because I felt like I put myself in those situations or didn’t cry for help loud enough or asked for it in my actions. I know this is just a lie from the enemy.
I never really dealt with any of this outwardly or talked with anyone about it before college, but its effects on me showed up far before then. In high school I was really depressed and actually slept with a knife beside my bed just in case I got up the courage to kill myself because outside of God’s protecting angels and his love, grace, and mercy, the only reason why I did not do it was because of my fear of going through with it then. I was dealing with this even while growing up in the church but I was never told that God could take my pain away so I stayed silent.
Going into college I really didn’t know what to expect but God really began to deal with me on a lot because I didn’t look to Him as my father (because of the absence of my natural father) I hadn’t really given Him my whole life. Even up until the closing of this year I hadn’t but you get that story in my Atlanta 2008 Conference Recap so go visit there. He began healing me in ways I couldn’t even have imagined or asked for pretty much through the encouragement of friends, from his word, and through an organization called InterVarsity Christian Fellowship USA (IV; and if you’re going to college or have a child in college I HIGHLY recommend) IV had many conferences focusing on student growth, development, and spiritual cultivation all of which really had me confront my issues with God and lay my stuff at the alter. After my rape at 19, I began to slowly fall apart and it was God, friends, and IV, who had held me together for so long. This attack was the strongest the devil could muster up on me… But of course because I’m God’s child I already had defeated him and had the victory. But I didn’t see it. In fact all I saw were images of death and his demons taking my hand and killing me. I was so afraid and terrified that all I did was cry and try to fight the images but fail so I’d cry harder and get even more scared. When I tried to call out Jesus name I couldn’t hear myself and it was the worst feeling ever. I ended up hospitalized twice and asked (well I didn’t really have a choice but it’d be nicer if it seemed like I was making the decision on my own) to withdraw from school.
God placed me in Bowie State University and though mini storms have arouse, nothing close to that has come and God continually reminds me in times I start to forget that I am FREE and don’t have to return to that place anymore. Free to Sing!
I’ll be sharing much more on my own site under my testimony page when I finish writing it.
